i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize