I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
