we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
