i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We are two peas in an std pod
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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