You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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