im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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