Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
