I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sorry my hands just texted you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
