Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
do nipples grow back?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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