I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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