...so i touched it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize