my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
