Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
