Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
