Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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