Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just threw up on my dentist
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
