Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
