Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
