i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
