you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
