Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
