ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
