he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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