dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
