There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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