ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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