I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
