You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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