recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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