I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
