Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
