If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
