Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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