I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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