He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
