A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
