I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
