Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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