Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize