Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
