Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
