Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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