I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
