Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
