i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize