mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you traded sex for a burrito?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize