when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
