The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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