Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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