even my farts smell like vagina
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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