i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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