Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
well you can't waste a boner
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
