Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
