Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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