that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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